I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
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I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.