My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
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I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.