A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
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Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.