*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
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Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO