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JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Two types of dogs.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body