Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
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Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Dolls on drugs
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Breaking news:
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.