Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
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Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.