If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
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BaD BoY!!
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”