Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
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every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
catch me on valentine’s day like
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?