*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
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The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
7: Momma, I need $10
Me: Why?
7: I can’t tell you.
Me: Then I can’t give it to you.
7: (sigh) Fine, it’s for a deal I made at school.
Me: A deal!?
7: (big sigh) I’m bringing money, Carson is giving me toys.