WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
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Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.