Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
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My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter