[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
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[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump