*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
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“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning