She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
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people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
Siri: Retweet me.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.