3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
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Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”