Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
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I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
is nasa ok
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’