Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
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“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
Ugh
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
This is my favorite one of these!