*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
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[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!