I don’t hate children, just yours.
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Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Stonehinge
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook