To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
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Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
Pretty much! 😂👀
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.