[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
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Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool