In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
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Note to self: always read the final line
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
live long and prosper!
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name