What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
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[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
*puts cutlery down*
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?