If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
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What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!