My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
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I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂