I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
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My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
Life is a suicide mission.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.