The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
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WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
men are simple creatures
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box