I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
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ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
beware of dog
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING