One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
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I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.