I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
You Might Also Like
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
True
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1