Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
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18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
*updates tinder bio*
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
dude it’s called proctologist
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.