I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
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Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.