*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
I can’t stop laughing at this
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green