[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
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Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
just left a huge legacy in there
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”