Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
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Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
This is painfully accurate 😅