CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
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If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.