“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
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My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
Digital security in Ancient Troy
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
Can. I. Help. You.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?