A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
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The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
Last-minute gift idea!
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
I can’t stop laughing at this
I hope they boil the right one.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.