I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
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My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
What?!?
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?