Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
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I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
The asteroid..
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Girl, same.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here