Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
You Might Also Like
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*