Seems a bit forward
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Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
Always…
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
Batman v Dracula