I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
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I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.