M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
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When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.