It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
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Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
How I like cutting carbs
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son