*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
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nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
#Caturday
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.