“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
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Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
Yes my dude
When I pack too much for a short trip.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.