She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
You Might Also Like
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
British websites use biscuits.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels