When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
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mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
Awesome parenting 😂
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.